Since learning I was pregnant last December I've been dead set on giving my child what I didn't have. And that was breast milk. Whether it be via the pump or the breast I wanted to ensure they had breast milk the first year of their life. As my due date neared I gained more understanding of breastfeeding and all it entailed. I then had a real come to Jesus moment with myself that my baby might not be able to latch... so I might have to exclusively pump or even give my child formula. With that I bought or was gifted all the breast pumps and accessories and organic formula I could get my hands on.
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| 3 weeks old, safe in her cacoon |
little colostrum was coming out of my breast when we self expressed. Another day of formula for my daughter and that time.... I did mind. I was bothered... I was down right upset. The next and last day we spent at the hospital a different lactation consultant came to help with latching but again my baby girl would NOT latch. Very little colostrum was being expressed. She showed us how to feed my baby formula from a syringe so that she wouldn't get attached to a bottle and never latch. My heart sunk, Torin was my rock because I felt like a failure. I was still hopeful I would be able to pump though once we got home.
I waited a day to start pumping once home and very little came out and it hurt... A LOT. I was using the Ameda Purely Yours pump. (Months later I found out I was using the wrong sized flange.... there is a science to it ladies.) So I supplemented my breast milk with formula for another week. We used Earth's Best Organic formula. My daughter definitely liked the breast milk more than the formula. I used this pump in pain every two hours for the first month of her life before I got fed up. I went to my OBGYN and told them of my trouble, they suggested I use a Medela Freestyle Pump that I could get thru my insurance and put in an order for me.... The only issue was that it would take up to 2 weeks to receive. I was so discouraged. Throughout this first month I tried everyday to get Brave to latch. I even bought nipple shields and tried. It was sooo painful and she seemed to use it as a pacifier rather than to eat.
I walked out of my obgyn office and thought to myself enough is enough and drove to St Joseph's. I remembered I could rent an hospital grade pump for $60 a month from them. I rented the Medela Symphony Pump and bought the accessory kit. The kit came with size 24 flange, a size I hadn't tried yet. I rushed home to pump, I was optimistic and hopeful. I had always heard that the hospital grade pumps work best for women with the challenges I had. My first session pumping with the hospital pump I pumped more than I ever had and it only took 10 minutes. I almost wanted to cry. I felt like a successful mom. I felt like I could do this.
Over the next month I pumped every 2 hours... yes 2 hours. At first I was on cloud nine but by week
2 pumping every 2 hours became such a laborious task. Imagine waking up, feeding your baby, lulling them back to sleep then having to pump for 15 minutes and doing it all over again in 2 hours every single night. Oh and pumping during the day... she hated it. She did not like me placing her down for 15 minutes to pump. It was a very strict schedule of waiting for her to sleep and hurrying to pump before she woke and then all over again another 2 hours later. But I can say I was definitely committed. At one point I had 7 days worth of milk stored in my freezer. But then I decided to go out on Halloween and my husband watched the baby... because I chose to drink I could not give her my expressed milk for a full 24 hours.
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| She can now hold a tiny bottle at 13 weeks old |
I never caught up the week after Halloween with my pumping. It became just down right overwhelming. I think my stress levels hit an all time high because one Friday the first week of November I went to pump and nothing came out... literally NOTHING. I had no milk stored in my fridge nor freezer and my baby was screaming from hunger pain. I think it was just natural instinct that I put my baby up to my bare nipple to see if she would latch. I hadn't tried for a whole month since I got the hospital pump. AND GUESS WHAT!? My baby not only latched on... she latched on like she had always been doing it! I was feeding my baby from my breast successfully with no consultant help and no breast shield. It was beautiful! And since that day she has been nursing from the breast like a damn bawse! I still pump for when my mom watches her or when we go out in public (still not super comfortable nursing in public unless Im in the van). And let me tell you... nursing thru out the night is like a cake walk compared to pumping and bottle feeding.
I wrote this to give an honest depiction of how breastfeeding can be. I think nowadays we see a lot on social media about how beautiful it is, but never about how hard it can be. How mentally and physically draining it can be. Its a bitter sweet sacrifice that is most definitely worth it. I also wrote this to encourage others to NEVER GIVE UP. My daughter didn't latch for 2 months! That's almost unheard of, and if I gave up I never would have known she could. Feeding Brave via pumping or nursing its all been worth it. Ladies we are amazing... our bodies can seem like a mystery sometimes,but trust your instincts. Regardless if you pump, nurse or formula feed you are STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL and the gift we give our children is priceless.
Signed,
A relentless mom who will do anything for her daughter
